reviewed code: A182

points 
possible
100

points
earned
90

reason for points earned (be specific)

10
Introduction

 8

The message of the harm social media inflicts on the American people stated in the thesis is an important lesson to internalize. The author believes that envying the lives of internet celebrities will lead to self-worth issues.
Though the thesis and author's point of view is clear, there is not enough attention-grabbing information in the introduction to attract readers. There is a second-person point of view in the introduction; however, the essay requires a third-person point of view.

10
conclusion

 8

The conclusion is repetitive. There is no need to rephrase that the harmful effects of social media outweigh the positives more than once. The conclusion lacked interesting technique usage; there were no calls to action or recommendations to grab the reader’s attention at the end. How should the reader interact with social media after reading the essay?

20
Unity

 19

All main ideas support the thesis. Each paragraph has supporting sentences with concrete examples that support their main ideas.
The concluding sentence for the first main idea did not transition well to the next paragraph and ended abruptly.

30
Development

 30

Because of the development usage, the essay was interesting to read. The use of statistics highlighted the severity of the problem. The figurative language and examples kept readers emotionally invested.

30
Mechanics

 25

 There are various grammatical and spelling errors in the essay. In the sentence, “Many people in the world become very conscious of how they look and who they want to see their body” the words who and body need to be replaced with how and bodies. Another sentence, “Workout posts have a negative effect on people just as much as it can motivate them.” is too wordy. The first sentence for the conclusion also has a wordiness problem. 

Provide suggestions\observations\and anything you think may be helpful for the author of this essay.

This is not a documented essay remove the sources. Do not cite sources in the text or include a work cited page for the essay. Remove the second-person point of view from the introduction. Add recommendations for proper social media use or calls to action to make the conclusion more interesting. Improve the syntax of the sentences to remove wordiness and increase understanding for the reader.

Essay being reviewed code: C064

points 
possible

points
earned

reason for points earned (be specific)

10
Introduction

 5

There is no attention-grabber that persuades the reader to learn more about the topic. The tone is very dry and casual, try to add an anecdote or pose a question to make the essay sound exciting. 

10
conclusion

 5

the conclusion is meant to sum up all MI's of each paragraph and leave the readers with something to think about. The first sentence in the conclusion goes off-topic, and there is no call to action or other technical elements to help your conclusion.

20
Unity

 15

 Overall, there are some really good ideas in each paragraph that support the main idea. Make sure to watch the wording, otherwise the way you explained the step by step processes of Tik Tok works with the essay.

30
Development

 20

 Most ideas in each paragraph support each main idea. There are some examples in the essay but very minimal. Try to add more examples, or possibly statistics and real-life experiences.

30
Mechanics

 25

 Some grammatical errors, and sentence structure errors. Work on creating cohesive sentences & plural v.s. singular.

Provide suggestions\observations\and anything you think may be helpful for the author of this essay.

Overall good essay, the topic is extremely relevant and plays an important part in what social media has become today. Work on shortening the intro and adding techniques to intrigue readers to want to learn more about Tik Tok. The conclusion is nice and short, however, consider adding in a call to action or thought for the reader to take with them. The support for your main ideas of each paragraph is clear, just work on wording sentences better, this will also enhance the tone. Examples could be used more frequently to explain or be used as support for MI. Transition words made the paragraphs orderly which is good, the essay is formed like a story and sounds natural. Otherwise, just fix a few grammar errors to ensure that each sentence flows well in each paragraph.

Essay being reviewed code: C155

points 
possible

points
earned

reason for points earned (be specific)

10
Introduction

 3

 I found it difficult to find the thesis, very wordy, and common knowledge of what was said about social media.  There was no reader interest but nonetheless, I understand your introduction.

10
conclusion

5

Not very unique and did not leave a memorable thought, the term "In conclusion" is overused. Good job on summarizing your MI's.

20
Unity

 15

 You stated some concrete sentences and stayed on topic. 

30
Development

 10

Most of your examples were vague, cases and Sensory details could help. The statistics were a good add but you need to add more kinds of development techniques if you want the reader to be interested as they follow along.

30
Mechanics

 13

 The essay needs to be in the third person,  a few spelling errors. You need to use more transitional words as you repeated the same words to start a sentence.

 Although it was easy to follow along, Social Media is a vague topic so a strong attention grabber for your introduction and a memorable impression for your conclusion is needed.  This may not be important but I believe the Thesis and MI's were supposed to be underlined and highlighted, respectively. Use more transition words and towards the end of your Paragraphs, you need a sentence that leads to your next MI, to have the reader anticipating what's next.  Watch out for those spelling errors like "bout" and even though I understand from what you said " feel some type of way", it may be considered slang and some readers may not understand.  Remember to use more types of developmental techniques like quotes and SD's (sensory details) as it will help readers understand your MI's better. Do not forget that this essay has to be done in the third person as I read that you wrote "I" in your essay and used the first and second person. Good job altogether though.

points 
possible

points
earned

reason for points earned (be specific)

10
Introduction

        5

 The author chose a very interesting topic for their essay. However, the introduction lacks structure. Adding more background information about TikTok and how it's influence effects today's society would've been great. Additionally, the introduction only consists of two sentences but  paragraphs should be around four to six sentences. If the author added their MI's and some context on how big the influence of TikTok is on society, their introduction would improve significantly.  

10
conclusion

        5

 The conclusion wraps up the essay but it isn't coherent. The conclusion has many run on sentences and has some grammatical errors. The author should add more transition words to keep their essay easy to follow and read. In addition to transition words the author should fix the structure of their sentences.  The conclusion should also include a conclusion of the three MI's that were used in essay. This will bring a satisfying ending to the essay.

20
Unity

      15

 The overall unity of the essay was great. The author never strayed away from their main topic. Each paragraph connects to the main topic and serve as good sub-topics.

30
Development

    15

 The development of the essay was lacking. The SS of each topic are run on and have grammatical errors. The author didn't utilize any development techniques to keeping the reader interested. Adding some form of TikTok statistic and fixing the grammatical errors of the SS will help improve the essay.

30
Mechanics

     12

 The punctuation was lacking in the essay. The sentences would often go on for long  periods of time. This made the essay hard to read and understand at times. The author can read over their essay to ensure each sentence flows and makes sense.

Provide suggestions\observations\and anything you think may be helpful for the author for this essay.

The author can take more time developing each of their paragraphs ensuring they make sense and are easy to read. A large amount of sentences included errors that are easy to fix if more time was used on the essay. The MI's could've been more descriptive in order to see how each connects to the main idea of the essay. Some more information on how TikTok effects businesses and how they're utilizing the app to promote their would've been great. The author should also read over their essays for in depth in order to fix any errors that may be in it. The essay topic was interesting but wasn't developed throughout the essay. 

s 
possible

points
earned

reason for points earned (be specific)

10
Introduction

7.5

The introduction was short, and lacked a “grabber”. However, it was straight to the point. It was clear that the topic was about how food created “a means of communication” in these trying times. Though, it could have used a few more sentences to introduce your topic more.

10
conclusion

6.0 

The conclusion could use some work. It does not repeat statements, however, it brings up points that weren’t mentioned in the essay which makes the reader confused. For example, the author mentioned people coming together to help and donate food to food banks. This and a few other things mentioned were off-topic.

20
Unity

 15.0

Most supporting details supported the MI.

30
Development

18.0 

The development was okay, but could use a little more work. Most MI’s had only one concrete example. A few supporting sentences were off-topic.

30
Mechanics

 18.0

Some parts of the essay were written in first person. Had a few run-on sentences which made it hard to read. Had some grammar mistakes.

Provide suggestions\observations\and anything you think may be helpful for the author for this essay.

The topic was unique and interesting! Try adding more concrete examples in your body paragraphs. Also, there were a few wordy and run-on sentences. In your conclusion try wrapping up the essay with statements that support your APOV and get rid of the off-topic sentences.